please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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