He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
