did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
