Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize