I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
