all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
