i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
