Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
