You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
