My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
