The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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