I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So much rum. So many feels.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
