Just fell off a train. Bad.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
