she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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