I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize