their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I wish I only lived at night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
