Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
