I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
