I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
