I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
