my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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