Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
