On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
