I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize