Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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