Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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