I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
