He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize