last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
