Just cropdusted the office
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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