Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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