I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
