so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
