Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
