Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
not ubering you a puppy
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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