I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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