Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
