Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
