I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
