oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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