Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
