Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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