is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
pray to the hookup gods
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
