So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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