if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
