I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
