The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
