So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
