just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
