i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Porn is love you can see.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
