Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
