I just cut my nipple shaving
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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