the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
