just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
