I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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