it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The beer is more important than you right now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
