Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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