I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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