Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
