if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
