Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
