i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well I just put wine in my tea
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
