the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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